I don’t know what my career will be

I have no idea what my career will be. Perhaps I will just be an administrative assistant for the rest of my life.

Omigod. I am listening to “River of Brakelights” by Julian Casablancas, and I am being totally blown away. It’s soo good. I love music. I love listening to it. I love it so much.

And this will lead to no career whatsoever. Well, never say never. But I am pretty sure that I will be putting no effort into it in the near future anyway.

I want to stay in this job for 2 years. So I am not in a real hurry to get somewhere new. I need to master what I need to master here. I need to do this.

So, conversation between Sal and myself.

Sal – So, friend, how are you?

Ebit – Doing awesome, thanks. Just hanging out.

Sal – So, how’s about career then? You’re just giving up after all this time?

Ebit – I want to do creative things. I know that much. I want to take some photoshop and illustrator courses. You know? I don’t know. I am not really worried.

Sal – Do you think you should be?

Ebit – It’s not up to me anymore. I will do my best in the projects ahead. That is the best I can do.

Sal – What about writing? You seem to love that a lot. Writing and listening to music, you love!

Ebit – As a hobby. I couldn’t do it all day. I love lots of things. I love art. I love music. I love graphic design sometimes.

Sal – So what do you think?

Ebit – I think I’m lazy. Why are things so hard? I feel like things are so hard.

Sal – Perhaps you should have tried harder when you were in university. Perhaps then you might have had a career.

Ebit – I don’t know what to do.

Sal – Well, what are you gonna do?

Ebit – I don’t know. I have a decent job that pays the bills now. It’s not perfect. But I want to challenge myself and do my best in this role, make it something I am proud of then move on. It’s a good job. And I really like sitting at home like this and writing and listening to the Strokes’ Angles album. I really enjoy this stuff.

Sal – Do you think you will be successful in life?

Ebit – I think in the conventional sense, probably not. I don’t know. I have self-confidence issues too.

Sal – Everybody does.

Ebit – It’s true. I just like doing this. I like writing. I like sitting here and listening to music. Guarantee that that will never make me money.

Sal – So do well in your course as your friend says. What does your friend say?

Ebit – My friend says that this is a real chance for me. If I can do well in this course, imagine the things I could do.

Sal – Is that realistic?

Ebit – Haha, I don’t think so.

Sal – So you will do the job you are doing now for awhile until you get to something new.

Ebit – I am not that smart. I’m not. I can’t blame that on anything.

Sal – You are smart.

Ebit – But I am not that disciplined. I like living life. I am not smart in terms of deferring my pleasure until later. I will never get better grades. I am not that good at things. I am not that smart.

Sal – You definitely do have some self-confidence issues.

Ebit – That’s the stuff I like to think about.

Sal – Haha, you are funny.

Ebit – Don’t we make each other happy, Sal?

Sal – Certainly do. So, what now?

Ebit – Well, my boyfriend is coming home soon, so I am going to just sit here and enjoy myself until then.

Sal – You can’t see the point of willpower and that kind of thing.

Ebit – I am very much all about the point to things.

Sal – That makes sense. Ask for God’s guidance or something.

Ebit – Well, God gave me this body which tells me all sorts of conflicting things. I really enjoy things. I really enjoy life and that is quite the blessing. I am really appreciative of that.

Sal – So what do you feel grateful about these days?

Ebit – My boyfriend. He’s really the best. And I am able to express things to him, even the irrational things. I feel good about that. It’s probably not the smartest thing ever but oh well.

Sal – What else do you feel grateful for?

Ebit – Well, I can get pretty down sometimes. I was almost in tears over my class today. I just want to pass though, really. They need not train me further. I am a pretty big pleasure whore.

Sal – Maybe you can think of some other professions that you could get into that would be interesting for you. Maybe you could think of some things that are kind of interesting to you that you could have as a profession. Event planning?

Ebit – Yeah, actually. Gotta run. My boyfriend is here.

Sal – Okay. Good stuff. Go on, girl!

Ebit – I love life!

Hobbies, hobbies

I am currently how to interpret financial documents. It’s challenging. I went on a rant this evening about it to my boyfriend. The class is really challenging. But I calmed myself down. I caught myself being negative and starting to enjoy the rut. So I got out of it. I just decided to not let myself go there. And it worked. I just tried thinking about other things naturally. It felt good.

I had a chance to do some singing tonight because I have the apartment to myself. I had fun but the singing didn’t last long. I realize I am not that good anymore, which is fine. But I realize that after a short while, less than a half an hour, I am done with music. I don’t need to make music my life. I can live without it. I love it. And I crave it when I can’t have it in my life, but I don’t need to make it a career. Same with writing? I don’t know. I love it. It’s amazing. I’ll leave it at that. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know where all this will go. I leave it up to God, whatever cosmic intelligence is out there. It’s beyond my control.

Phew, what a relief! I can just go on trying my best and asking for God’s assistance with – wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute – where did all this God stuff come into play? Well, I had been reading God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens, when I got into a discussion with my friend about it. Conclusion after the discussion? Well, first, Hitchens only looks at the extremes of religion, where most people do not lie. Second, religion makes people less anxious and more calm. I realized I needed some of that in my life. Truth isn’t absolute so why make your life searching for it, in addition. But I realized how tense and stressed I was. I tend to overthink things and go overboard, taxing my brain with how to resolve every little part of my life. I need a fucking break.

So? So, I am putting my faith in God. In a God that takes care of the elements of life that are beyond my knowledge and control. It’s fuzzy. It’s far from perfect. It’s illogical. It’s irrational. It’s not defensible. I certainly could not argue coherently about it whatsoever. But I admit that. And I own that shit, baby.

So how do I feel? Excellent. In the last day and a half where I have in the past insisted on persisting in thinking about things I cannot understand, I have just stopped. And when it comes to career, I just have to stop thinking and put my faith in the fact that whatever will be will be.

So, I think my hobbies will be my hobbies, and I will try to do my best to do my best at work and in life generally. I don’t know about career.

Go for anything with passion

I suppose, in keeping with the main subject of this blog, I should post about my career. Well, related is the fact that I have discovered an excellent technique for learning how to focus energy. 45 on, 15 off. That is, 45 minutes you work, 15 minutes you relax. Having work and play divided up like that seems to work wonders for me. And with this newfound ability to focus, I have discovered that the subject matter really doesn’t matter that much. Whether I am studying financial statements or doing graphic design stuff, I am finding enjoyment in the activities I am focused upon.

So what does this mean for career? Well, it’s all very preliminary, but I think that I could well focus my attention on anything, if I so desired. I think I could really go for Computer Science. I think I could do it. I really do believe that any pursuit in life is a matter of effort. Of course, it would be best if you went with what you had a propensity for, but I think, given a bit of common sense, anything is possible.

I have been feeling really, really good lately. I have really felt confident because of the fact that I have been able to study successfully. I feel really encouraged to pursue everything in life with zest and a sense of challenge.

I feel as if the reason why I have been trying to figure out my “passion” so strongly in the past has been because I have not been able to focus my energy sufficiently.

Now I want to do anything creative

I have gone on a karaoke rant to myself tonight. It has been tons of fun. It has been so much fun! Ah!

So now I have visions of being part of a team to help set up concerts. I want to be part of something creative. Absolutely. Anything to do with concerts. I think that that would be the best. I just want to be a part of something interesting and creative and musical and interesting. Something new and interesting and fun! Concerts are my first thought. I don’t think that setting up for concerts would be that much fun but how much fun would it be to help in the creative process of creating something interesting in terms of an experience? Omigod, that would be so thrilling!

I just want to have fun! Dammit! I mean, writing is fun, but there is so much more to life than sitting in your room and writing! I just want to do it all, all creative! I want to be around other creative people doing all sorts of creative things. Anything and everything! I am so excited about this!

I don’t even know what I am talking about. I was gonna say I just want to hang on to this thought but I am not sure that I should. I have homework to do in my class of financial statements. Dammit! At some point I need to come back down to earth and be stupid and sensible. Omigod. I need to be doing something else with my life. I feel so constricted by what I am doing now. As much as I love the benefits of being a part of a corporation, I need to do so much more with my life! I want to do more with my life!

Interesting. What to do? What to do with myself? Make some art, is what I am going to do? I don’t know. I feel like I want to do something different. I think that I want to do something completely different. I don’t know what that thing is just yet. A new art form? I’d love that! Invent something new. Okay, to my sketchbook!

Wow, it has been over nine months since I last wrote…

I miss this blog! I have graduated to another blog but it isn’t half as much fun as this one! This one is just complete freedom, and I love that!

So update on me now. Conversation with Sal:

Sal – So, Self, you have read over some of your recent posts on this blog. What do you think?
Self – Well, it has been really fascinating because since I wrote that last post I have really decided that I don’t want to do graphic design at all. Well, not not at all. I still love creative work and I am glad to be able to do it at work – really, what more can I ask for? – but I have gotten a chance to actually do some work right until the end and I have discovered that it’s not bad, but it’s not really worth it.
Sal – But you loved it so much!
Self – I know, I did love it. And I still generally like creative work, but in the end, it is still work. When you have to do it professionally, it is still work. I don’t want to work. I want to relax. I want to enjoy life.
Sal – So if that follows, maybe you don’t even want to write professionally. Maybe you just want to write in blogs like this one forever. Bad grammar. Who cares?
Self – I care. I don’t want to write poorly. I find the process of writing for publication exciting and thought-provoking. I love all kinds of writing, I am discovering, not just diary writing or blog writing, as much freedom as that provides. I like limitations as well. It enhances the enjoyment. It brings something new to the table.
Sal – So you want to write professionally then?
Self – I want it all, baby. I want it all. I believe that if I work hard, I will be able to get to my destination. But the process is so rewarding too! Ah! Life is so exciting!!!!!
Sal – What excites you about life?
Self – Omigod, everything. This procrastination rocks. I should be doing my financial statements homework right now but I will put it off because it is not fun. Talking with my sister. Socializing with my friends, hanging out with my boyfriend, whom I adore infinitely, working, socializing at work, discovering my weaknesses and working on them. Being liked more at work, asserting myself, doing this assertiveness course I am now taking. Getting excited about writing. The idea of taking courses to improve my Illustrator and Photoshop skills. The idea of taking writing courses in the summer. Omigod, so much!!! So, so much!!!!! Talking to my friend tonight. So many things!
Sal – Mostly social and then some creative.
Self – Yep! I love it!
Sal – Well, it’s been swell. Talk soon, Self!
Self – Yeah, thanks for the chat!